This is important to me and I think it, at least, warrants a quick glance over so you understand.
So,
The last few years I have been suffering from depression. The last few days it has been severe. On Monday, I couldn't find the energy, strength, nor will, to go to work. I knew that I should; I knew that it was irresponsible; I knew that I would be reprimanded for my actions; but I, almost, didn't even care about any of that. I had this deep, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach; it felt like I was collapsing into myself. I was supposed to work at 2pm, but I decided at 4pm to go take a nap. I woke up a few hours later, and I felt the exact same. I just didn't care; I was giving up; I was done.
Well, this is insane. How can somebody just give up? I keep asking myself that. Why am I not succeeding in the areas that are important to me? I'll tell you why: I'm addicted to video games. This is an issue. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. It's time to change. No more of this staying up until 7am playing Counter-Strike: Global Offensive. No more missing meals because I'm busy playing competitive matches. The changes I am making will be drastic. I think that this is the only way I will be able to stick to a plan. I have tried to limit my hours playing video games; but it seems that every time I get bored, I manage to come up with a new excuse as to why I should allow myself playing time.
Part of this addiction has to do with Absurd Minds as a clan and a community. I love everybody in here. Many of you are better friends than most of my IRL friends. My computer is an escape; An escape that I do not need to have. I have two lives: My real life in the outside world, and a separate online life. I work a crap job, working crappy hours, for a crap wage, to manage just enough money to squeak by, and not much more. As soon as I finish working, I turn on my computer for 12+ hours. I spend more time in my online life than I do in the real world. I spent so much time playing video games, that I damaged my last relationship. I was the sole strain between Jessica and myself, and my actions stressed her to the point of breaking it off. Am I quitting? No. I will be back when I feel like I can trust myself not to squander all of my time on here.
The Plan:
Suspend my gaming completely. I will not play a single computer game from October 3rd, 2013 until November 14th, 2013. This means I will not be playing for 1 full month, with the time I am on vacation not counting towards that. I leave October 23rd, for two weeks. When I come back, I will have one more week of complete video game shutout. At that time, I will re-evaluate my feelings on this. I may open it up to playing on weekends, I am not sure exactly what I will decide.
This is sudden, but I think I need to go about it this way. I will be going to bed at 12am every night. I will be going to the gym at 1015pm every day. I will be waking up at 6am and going for a one hour walk, regardless of how tired I am or any other excuse. I will be starting to eat properly. I am going to enroll in the high school courses I need to enter into the university program that I desire. I am going to begin studying and recording for the YouTube series that I want to start. I am going to end all of my excuses. Waiting around clearly isn't getting me anywhere, so I am walking away and creating the life that I want. That is not a stab at how anybody lives their life, it is just part of the statement that I am not happy with how I am currently living my life.
I will continue to check the forums periodically. I am going to limit myself to checking them once per day, and not at all when I go on vacation. I am going to take steam off of start-up, and will only be opening steam to specifically message somebody if I feel the need to.
And so, I leave you all with this:
[youtube][/youtube]
_________________ Honey Badgers have very tough skin. The skin is very thick and rubbery, which is almost impervious to arrow and spears. Even a blow from machete can't scratch the skin. The skin protects them from bites.
Depression is a shitty thing. I've had problems with it in the past and I do know that dropping gaming helps a lot. It may be hard to stop for the first day or two, but after that it should be smooth sailing with restricting yourself.
Good luck! I'll talk to you when you get back!
_________________ i forgot to put a signature when i first joined
yeah, man I wish you the best of luck. I hope you figure things out and get to feeling better. Feel free to txt me or call me or anything if you just want someone to talk to, even if its just for a few minutes. I would be more than happy to stop what I am doing (as long as I can) and help where needed. I think this will be a good move for you. I hope you can get some thinking done and figure out where to go from here. We will miss you. Stay safe, and remember we are here for you.
_________________ I'm so official, like a dealer with a pistol or referee with a whistle.
Explicit gave me a 1 month esea code... but im not as good as you or your team mates
This is where I would love this to be discussed. Have some respect
_________________ Honey Badgers have very tough skin. The skin is very thick and rubbery, which is almost impervious to arrow and spears. Even a blow from machete can't scratch the skin. The skin protects them from bites.
If I may make a small suggestion - go to bed earlier than 12, or wake up later than 6. As it is, you're giving yourself a solid 6 hours in bed, but depression tends to ruin a person's sleep. It's likely with all the fragmentation and all the laying in bed awake you might only get 4 hours a night. Sleepiness in general can contribute to feelings of depression, and if you continue the schedule and get more and more tired you will be less and less capable of fulfilling any of the goals you have set out for yourself, which can contribute to feelings of low self worth. I would suggest erring on the side of a bit more sleep at first, and then if you find you're consistently waking up before your alarm or you're consistently not tired when you go to bed, at that point consider shortening your sleep schedule.
Thank you, I appreciate the advice. Maybe I'll set a more reasonable wake-up time, like 9am, and work my way backwards until I find a nice balance.
_________________ Honey Badgers have very tough skin. The skin is very thick and rubbery, which is almost impervious to arrow and spears. Even a blow from machete can't scratch the skin. The skin protects them from bites.
Ill have to go ahead and agree with Amaroq, you need to get more sleep than that if you want to do what you do, and of course not feel any worse than you already do. I usually go to bed around 10:30-11pm on weekdays(weekends are usually not much later) due to the fact I have to wake up quite early to get ready for class and such. At the end of the day I am tired as hell and you will be as well. I used to suffer, which I am not sure if that is the correct term, from depression quite severely when I was younger. At times I still do. It was caused by so many aspects of my life: not stepping up for what I wanted, being surrounded by idiots, and not learning how to deal with shit. I could easily write a whole damn essay on this and bore all of you to sleep. The last thing I mentioned for causes was probably the most important that I still need to apply.
I am not sure how this will go over with you(I am a clinical psych major so I should be more professional, but I honestly don't know you that well, and that would take all day) but do your absolute best not to overreact to any particular stimulus. I could have worded that a lot better. Obviously we as humans have emotions and depending how those go can change our personality and mood. When I was reading your post this morning I kind of felt bad because I was ditching my only morning class today. Not because I wanted to play cs all morning or anything, but instead I just didn't feel like going. It was one class missed and not even important(1100 level). I felt like I really could have gone but decided against it and made up my mind. I didn't feel bad because I was comfortable with my decision. Man am I bad at explaining things sometimes... OK, don't mope around because that is more "comfortable" than owning your damn life! If you make a decision about anything you do don't regret it. The decision was made and that's all. If it does make you feel depressed or something take some brief time to analyze what you did and why it made you feel that way.
Life cannot always be perfect or go our ways. Sometimes shit hits the ceiling and we don't know how to deal with it. Giving up gaming should help if that's what you feel the root of the problem is. I've always gamed quite a bit and sometimes it did make me quite depressed, simply because I could have been owning my life and doing things so much better.
If you ever need anything(like clarification on what I am trying to say =/ ) feel free to message me or anything. I am sure we're all here for you.
Here is a little happy for your life:
_________________ My Steam
^Feel free to add for mm/altpug/10mans/anything else
I agree with Anubis but here is my advice if you find yourself waking up before your set time.
WORK OUT, get yourself going drink some V8 or some weird drink like that which is weird and healthy. Set a goal if you wake up 50 push ups, something like that
I agree with Anubis but here is my advice if you find yourself waking up before your set time.
WORK OUT, get yourself going drink some V8 or some weird drink like that which is weird and healthy. Set a goal if you wake up 50 push ups, something like that
That'll be a negative all it was is a suggestion not something you have to do
Sorry, I wasn't trying to derail the thread or be negative, but when I read "or some weird drink like that which is weird and healthy." I lost it.
Trav, the best advice I have for you is to find a career that is rewarding, fun and gives you options down the road. Things will work themselves out, just don't think it comes easy.
Joined: 25 Mar 2010 20:32 Posts: 1247
Location: Austin, TX.
Don't worry Trav, I'll be going down the same path as you starting January. Sleep early and go out for a walk. It has helped clear my mind a bit and my body feels great after the brisk walk. Just try not to think about the negatives in life and think more positively. Laugh and smile more. Watch a bunch of comedy.
_________________ "People say that time flies but you keep breaking its wings..."
I agree with Trav. I have had a glorious amount of bullshit over the last few years and its great to hear that you are evaluating your life in a mature fashion. I hope that everything works out and you have success in your endeavors. It takes a strong person to admit when they need a change and to actively seek it out. For me it got extreme and I deleted all my games. When that wasn't enough I had a friend put a password in to block my internet from allowing those kind of games. We'll be here if you need to talk BRA!
_________________ Walk through life and pay attention...
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