Absurd Minds

TL;DR: This is my life in a summary. It's supposed to help. Read it or don't, I prefer that you do.

Like the subject says, I thought I'd take you up on your offer. I'm not a girl, I'm a dude. I know you were probably hoping for some femme to message you (It's what we're all secretly or not so secretly hoping for), but alas I have failed you.

I have a little story for you. It's about me. It's about my struggles and my final and ongoing triumph. It will be very truthful, so truthful that nobody knows the actual story of it all. Not a single person. I hope it'll make you feel like you aren't alone out there, and that it gets better. I promise it will be worth the read to at least laugh at my mistakes. To be honest, I'm kind of just looking for somebody to talk to me too.

I'm 22. I graduated from high school at 18, and then I went back for a "victory lap". Well that was a waste. It was meant to get my marks up and all I did was get high and skip class. I failed 3 of my courses. Good job me.

After that I decided I was going to school for accounting. I freaking loved accounting. My accounting teacher was always happy, always excited, always outgoing. I wanted to be just like him. Well surprise, surprise. Accounting was mind numbingly boring. In high school I was researching companies financial reports to decide which of two companies would be a better investment and had to explain why. It was awesome. In college I was basically saying, "Because we had $200 in this account, and we bought X for $200, we have $0." Wow, so fun. I stopped going and failed out of second semester.

Next, in 2011, I decided to do a general program to help me decide what I wanted to do. This program would basically open me up to Counselling, Nursing, Early Childhood Education, Recreation and Leisure, things of that service nature. Surprise, surprise, I don't like people because they are stupid. I stopped going but withdrew from that second semester.

In 2012 I decided, I SHOULD BE A POLICE OFFICER. I mean, I'm strong, I've always been a leader, I'm confident in my abilities, I have a demanding presence when I show that side of me, why would I not be a police officer? Surprise, surprise. It's boring as hell studying and memorizing all of the laws and what letter of what subsection of what section of which document this law if in and what court case was the reason for this law. I don't care that Jon vs Doe is the reason Traffic Laws v2.3 Law 34.3.23.3 (a) is made. It's boring. I stopped going in December and withdrew without finishing first semester.

So now I have a tonne of F's and W's on my transcripts. Now what? I'll tell you what. I go to Alberta to work in the oil sands with my father. Why not? I'd love to make $80,000 a year to start. You don't even need an education. What they don't tell you is how boring it is and that waking up at 4 a.m. and getting home at 10 p.m. is absolutely exhausting. I was there for 2 months. Then I came back home to Ontario.

So here I am now. I'm 22, I work at a coffee/fast food place (Tim Horton's), and I play video games all day when I don't work.

Or at least, that's where I was. This is part 2 of my story. This is a new chapter of my story. This is where my life really begins. Would you like to know why? Trick question, I'm going to tell you anyway because if you've read this far, you're probably a little bit interested. Remember, this story comes full circle back to you. Where you don't have to experience this. I started missing work last month. Why? Who knows. I was in severe depression. I've always struggled with depression. But not your average struggle. I wasn't struggling to go to work, or to go to school, or struggling with suicide, none of that. I was struggling with admitting it to myself. Why? Because I'm a fucking man. I'm a man of all men. And I'll prove it to anybody who looks the wrong way at me. I don't back down. I have skin of steel. I'm afraid of nothing. Or so I thought. Turns out, that doesn't lead a very happy life. Nor a very social life. I digress.

So I started missing work. Really it was one shift, and then I was late for the next shift. I woke up at 11 a.m. that day. This is normal. My shift started at 2 p.m. because I work afternoon shift. I was trying to figure out what I should do with this three hour window. I couldn't decide so I lay in bed and just stayed there. An hour goes by. Two hours go by. Two and a half hours go by. I should really start getting ready for work. Another half hour goes by. I should be at work. Ten minutes goes by. My phone rings. It's my boss. I mute the ringing. It rings again. I mute it again. It rings yet again. I mute it yet again. After this I think for a moment. I really should be at work, they're going to be mad. I put my phone on silent. I roll over and stare at the wall. I'll just go to sleep, that'll make it better.

I fall asleep and wake two hours later. 18 missed phone calls. All of them were my boss. Fuck.I should have gone. Whatever, I don't care. What's it matter any way. I need the money to pay my rent, but I live with my parents and they won't kick me out for having no rent. What is my boss going to do, fire me? Go ahead. I don't care. I don't care about anything. Every fucking thing here is pointless. It's a shitty job, I get paid a shitty wage, to save a shit amount of money, just to live at my shitty house with my parents. Who fucking cares. My mom comes home from work and asks me why I'm not at work. I tell her because I don't want to. She doesn't care either. I don't care, they don't care, nobody fucking cares, so whats the point, right? Wrong. Nothing interesting happens the rest of the day, I probably just played videos games.

I work the next day. Same shift. Same start of the story. I wake up at 11, and decide what to do. I lay in bed. One hour goes by. Two hours go by. Three hours go by. I should be at work. I'll go shower. Half an hour later, I decide to go to work. On my way to work I have a fucking epiphany. Is this me? Is this all I am? A fucking failure? Am I destined to work at this shit place forever and barely scrap by? Can I even live like that? What about my goals, my dreams, my achievements. Everything to waste? No. That's not me. I know what I want, and it's not this. I get to work and explain the previous day to my boss. I apologize and tell her I am going to fix it. She was the first person ever, in my life, that I straight up said, I think I am suffering from depression and I need help. It was like the weight of the world off my chest. I've never felt so relieved JUST TO SAY THAT.

So the real work begins. What do I want to do for a job? What do I want to have for hobbies? Clearly coffee shop and video games isn't working. I'm at rock bottom, so I'm going to shoot for the stars. My dream as a kid was to be a Marine Biologist and study Great White Sharks. I was obsessed with them. Guess what. I'm going to be a fucking Marine Biologist. I'm saving every penny so I can take the high school courses I missed. I've also found a University that has a Bachelor of Science where I can major in Marine and Freshwater Biology. Perfect. Now for the hobbies. Video games are eating at my soul. So anti-social. I want to do something fun, but I do like computers. I decided to combine all of my interests in one. I'm going to start a YouTube channel. I'll make videos on WHATEVER I WANT. Why? Because it's my channel. I have interests that no one channel include all of, so why not make it? I'm sure there are other people like me. So this is where I am. Saving my money, and reading so I have material for my YouTube channel. What's next? Start those courses. Start recording for my YouTube channel. And start socializing. I'm not afraid of much, but I love to be thrilled. I'm going to meet girls like they do in videos. If I see a girl I think is very good looking at the mall or any where, I'm going to go talk to her. It's time to be a better person. Also, GYM. That's something I left out. No longer will I be this skinny bastard of 5'11'' 150 lbs of nothing.

If you've actually read this whole thing I hope you see why I wanted you to have a glimpse of my life. I was depressed and lonely. I supposed I still am, but definitely working on it. I thought I was shit for a while, I guess I kind of was shit for a while. I felt like crap and I acted like it. Now I am starting to feel better and acting like that. I've been watching motivating videos on getting over depression. This has gone on far to long and I feel attached to this so I'm going to end it lest you don't feel like reading it and this was all a waste of time. Even if it was, it makes me feel even a little bit better. Knowing that there's a chance I might have helped someone. Hell, I might even start a blog and this can be my first post. That's not a bad idea. Look at that, I almost too up the 10,000 character limit reddit has on their posts. Hit me up if you actually read any of this, I like to talk but I'm better at listening.