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 Post subject: How the fudge nuggets...
PostPosted: 19 Aug 2014 22:01 
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I'm sitting on Boyfriend's bed watching a movie with him. Boyfriend's mom walks by, says something to him in Korean (she had never spoken to me in English), and then leaves. I don't do or say anything because I'm not being addressed. Two minutes later Boyfriend gets a call from his mom where she apparently (I could hear her) yelled at him in Korean about how rude I am because I didn't get up to say goodbye. Apparently it's some Korean cultural thing. Boyfriend's never moved when she left.
It is so, so very important to me that I get along with her, and that she approves of me. I know that ultimately the only thing that matters is my relationship with Boyfriend and not what she thinks of me, but if she liked me it would put less stress on him and me.

How the fuck am I supposed to get along with someone who expects me to act in a way I don't know about??


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PostPosted: 19 Aug 2014 22:11 
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Yeah, that isn't fair at all. He really should stand up for you. How can you do something that you aren't informed of? Sounds like she is setting you up for failure to have a reason to judge you, but that is me outside looking in.

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PostPosted: 19 Aug 2014 22:36 
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Yeah, that's what it feels like. Since it's all in Korean, it's hard to tell if he stands up for me or not. He gets very irritable sounding, then sorta exasperated sounding. I think the convo goes...

"Cemy is so rude because of x."
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"She should be better behaved blah blah"
"-angry sigh-whatever"

I really don't know for sure though.


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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 00:29 
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As a Korean myself, I can tell you that while it isn't your fault at all because you didn't stand and bid farewell to his mother, the culture is set to where you always show respect to your elders. When you notice his mother leaving, you stand, bow, and say goodbye in a very formal manner. Your boyfriend should've told you about this and show be on the lookout for you because you have no idea about the culture. Here's a tip when dealing with elders: "Always show respect first." Showing respect is highly looked upon and if you don't show proper respect, it'll be pure hell for you.

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 Post subject: How the fudge nuggets...
PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 06:22 
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It's like if you live in America, you shouldn't get mad at someone because they're not from your culture and doesn't know the customs. Ask her how many customs from other countries she knows(but not really). It's like a Russian guy getting mad at you in the street because you can't speak Russian. Well fuckity fuck fuck look at frosty go...

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 06:37 
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Quote:
Sounds like she is setting you up for failure to have a reason to judge you,
Same. You can't say something to somebody in a language they don't understand and then get mad when they don't respond. Does she speak English?

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 12:00 
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Sounds to me like this is completely your boyfriend's fault. He should know what his family's cultural expectations are and should have pre-briefed you on them prior to the visit.
Of course his Mom ultimately shouldn't think you're rude unless she knows you are aware of them and intentionally not showing respect, but it's hard to know exactly what communication Mom and Son have had previously on that subject.
Looks like you need to talk with your boyfriend to clear some things up.


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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 12:10 
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Quote:
It's like if you live in America, you shouldn't get mad at someone because they're not from your culture and doesn't know the customs. Ask her how many customs from other countries she knows(but not really). It's like a Russian guy getting mad at you in the street because you can't speak Russian. Well fuckity fuck fuck look at frosty go...
a russian will probably get mad at you for something else way before that, though honestly most of them are decent people. the last person i was involved with was Ukrainian and her family was similar to what you're describing. everything was respecting your elders though a lot of it was respect in general, and honestly a lot of that is not so common for people not raised in a culture like that. i guess what i am trying to say it can be very odd for someone who is not used to the customs. we had several mutual friends who were put in awkward situations because they had no idea about the culture and would get angry stares and so forth. in my honest opinion that is just some people being ignorant that not all cultures are the same and they cant accept it. for example, some of our friends came from completely different backgrounds and yet her family or mine sometimes would expect them to know everything about ours; without it ever being explained/mentioned, while knowing nothing about theirs. thats just my opinion anyway, you should try to be respectful and understanding of how others are raised but also do the same for theirs.


i don't know a whole lot about the situation but i would hope either your boyfriend or someone else in his family could explain the customs to you. its pretty shitty when people give you a difficult time or look differently at you because you don't know everything automatically. i had to explain to friends who would visit my family or come over for dinner how everything worked, because at least imo its a lot different from how standard dinner is in the u.s.


hopefully everything will be explained and work out for you though.

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 12:26 
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She definitely understands English. I've talked to her before. She'll respond in Korean and have one of her children translate. At first I thought it was just because she was embarrassed of her English, but meore I don't think so. She once told her daughter that if her boyfriend (he's Filipino) wanted to talk to the mom, he would have to learn Korean. I asked Boyfriend if she expected the same of me, he said no, but I don't believe him.

My boyfriend does not follow the Korean culture. He did not stand when she left either. He thinks it's pointless for me to learn something that he believes should not be necessary for me to know in the USA.

I'm going to apologize to her if I see her.and see if there are any videos online for me to learn Korean manners, I guess. I'm still angry that she expects me to know and follow something I haven't the faintest idea of.


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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 13:17 
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Yeah, I don't agree that it's your boyfriend's fault at all. If his mom wants you to do something, his mom should tell you. He is not obligated to act as a go-between for a woman who is too immature to speak to you in a way you can understand. If she had said "boyfriend, tell Cemy I am leaving and she needs to stand up and bow" then I can see it being his responsibility to translate, but he doesn't follow the culture and she knows it.

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 14:01 
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I know that ultimately the only thing that matters is my relationship with Boyfriend and not what she thinks of me, but if she liked me it would put less stress on him and me.
Do not discount this. That was actually the breaking point of one of my relationships. I couldn't deal with the stress so I refused to go to her house and it just became too much. I think it's more of a test for some reason. I can't comprehend any other reason for her doing this. Like everybody else says, you'll have to ask boyfriend about it though.

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 14:03 
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LEARN KOREAN!! What are you doing with your life? jkjk. That is really messed up. How the fuck were you supposed to know what she said?

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 14:04 
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Yeah, I know that not getting along with his mother will put a strain on our relationship. But in this case he sides with me and thinks his mom is being unreasonable.

I agree that it's obnoxious that she won't talk to me. But whatever.


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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 14:19 
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he sides with me and thinks his mom is being unreasonable.
That's really good then. Ignore my previous tidbit of experience then - I was considered the one being unreasonable XD

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 14:59 
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Yeah, I don't agree that it's your boyfriend's fault at all.
I am working under the assumption that the boyfriend already knows in advance what his mother's expectations are going to be and should have communicated that to Cemy prior to the trip. If he doesn't follow the culture/manners himself and likewise doesn't expect Cemy to, then he should have told his mother in advance that she wouldn't be doing the stand and bow or whatever. Either way, he seems to have dropped the ball and allowed Cemy to end up in an awkward situation (unless the Mom is expecting something that her son somehow had no idea she would expect).


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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 15:01 
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I just don't think it's his job to do the leg work for the mom. If she wants something, she can be a big girl and ask for it appropriately instead of expecting it to just happen. It's not his responsibility and he shouldn't receive any blame.

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 15:25 
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I just don't think it's his job to do the leg work for the mom. If she wants something, she can be a big girl and ask for it appropriately instead of expecting it to just happen. It's not his responsibility and he shouldn't receive any blame.
I agree with you, but it goes back to the difference in cultures. If my parents we foreign and trying to hold onto a bit of the culture back home, I'd try my best to accommodate them. That being said, regardless of anything else, it is ridiculous to assume and demand people foreign to your culture to follow your rules that they don't know.

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PostPosted: 20 Aug 2014 19:46 
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I think next time you see her day hi how are you doing in korean

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PostPosted: 21 Aug 2014 20:43 
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I think next time you see her day hi how are you doing in korean
Don't EVER do this! If you do this, she'll think 1 of 2 things: you're either A) a smartass and you're mocking her for the previous problem or B) she'll think you're trying too hard to get on her good side.

How do I know this? I'm Korean and I've definitely tried it with other adults/elderly and was told by my parents to never do it again. As I stated previously, it's all just a cultural difference.

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